Days passed and then I think weeks. I tried to maintain a semblance of normlacy. It wasn’t easy. When I finally felt I could no longer keep silent about what Rutter, Geiger, Hunter, and Blackburn had done to me, I made my private blog “Fuck it” public. A reader commented on my blog post and we spoke about what happened. I made another tweet stating what I belived in, such as integrity and then some, and someone named Martha attacked me. I lost count at how many tweets she directed at me. Another reader commented on the tweet, but against Martha. A war erupted. I stayed out of it, except to like a tweet, but I read the tweets and subtweets.
Over time? The group began attacking readers who had commented on my tweets, or commented to each other on my tweets. It was a big fucking mess that evolved into racist comments, doxxing, harassment, lawsuit threats, rumors, accusations, and more by sockpuppet accounts against the readers. I was disgusted, sickened, and crushed.
Later on, I would find out that Rutter had lied about me to [redacted] not too long around the time the group attacked me. When [redacted] found out they had been lied to, they spoke with me. I think Rutter’s purpose was to destroy me in any way possible, to get me out of the publishing world. I had the feeling the group attacked me because they were bored and needed a new target, but they clearly wanted me out of the group for some reason that I haven’t been able to figure out.
I wasn’t the only one she lied about. Rutter made up stories about “Pippi”. No, not the ~Pippi~ from Jenny’s blog, but another “Pippi”, a pseudonym I’m using for an individual who Rutter attacked. I believe it’s “Individual A” from Jenny’s blog, but because I misread I labeled her as “Pippi.” Originally I called her “Mackenzie” from a previous blog: “Regrets.” Moving on.
Rutter had made up some vicious claims about her, claims that didn’t make any sense to me then. I didn’t even understand the problem with favoring her tweets. How is that stalking? And why the attack on “Mackenzie/Pippi”? The worst of it was I believed the lies after a time, but pushed the thought of it all out of my mind to focus on the legal matters my mom and I were involved in and trying to get the group to refocus its true purpose. Books.
We talk a short time about the books and threw in ideas on how to promote them, but like always the conversation shifted its focus. I wasn’t comfortable talking about other people who had treated me kindly. But people who had treated me badly or that I’ve seen targeting others on Twitter? I confess I vented about them. I said things that I regret, but that happens when you’re angry. It’s nothing to be proud of, but even in a vent you don’t lie about someone.
I thought back to the timing of the attack on me. The attack occurred not too long after Rutter began reading Crimson Chaos and after I delivered flyers of our books. I can’t say for sure if it’s what I think it is, but the timing is oddly incredible. Plus the lie that I queried agents using the names of indie-authors as name-dropping. Why would an indie-author like myself use another indie-author to query an agent for traditional publishing?
Even months later I’m still burdened with thoughts of “why” and no real answers.
Then one day I ended up mentally snapping. The depression within me grew so much and the thoughts of suicide became stronger. I posted distressing posts of how I felt and pretty much slumped through the days. I decided to get in touch with my doctor. My doctor increased the medicine I was already taking for PMDD to help me fight the depression and urged me to visit a counselor. I’ve visited the counselor three times so far. The third time, she urged me to see a psychologist. My appointment for the pyschologist is in April.
The medicine has helped me tremendously, though I can still feel the depression. It’s just not as controlling. My sleep and eating habits still remain screwed up, but I’m not slumping around through the house, feeling weighed down. I was able to finish my first draft to Storm: The Last Aleantylar, sequel to Crimson Chaos and I was able to write to my sci-fi draft Turning the Tide.
But the attacks on the readers continue, even to this day. I’m disgusted and sickened. We have a strong idea of who these attackers are, but to flat out say a name without irrefutable proof is cause for libel, and so we can only wait until that evidence comes to light. It makes me ill to think that while we know who it is, the law won’t accept half-evidences as proof.
You can imagine the guilt I felt when the traitors from my former group attacked the readers. I still feel that, but that’s not important. What’s more important is the fact the readers are being attacked and that people need to stand up for them. They don’t deserve the attacks.
Twitter has done nothing useful to assist them who are the true victims. Instead they punish the victim and reward the prepertrators. One victim has lost their account completely for calling someone an insult, but yet the person who doxxed her was not punished or removed from Twitter, despite Twitter saying they had violated rules. When did an insult triumph over doxxing in terms of punishments? It makes no damn sense. During the meantime, we continue to fight and stand with the readers who are being attacked, harassed, and doxxed. And I can only hope that we triumph.