Fire and Ice

This past week has been a major eye-opener for me. In a lot of it, I was very hurt by some of the actions of others. I still am but I am trying to learn from it and to find out why these things happened. They say there is a reason for everything, but sometimes the why is never answered.

Sometimes I do things or say things that seem questionable. I’m usually on auto-pilot, but this auto-pilot has been inherited long ago from those I’ve hung around. In chat rooms, several people would talk about different topics at the same time, and sometimes a person would come in to talk about the same subject you yourself were talking for themselves. It was accepted and no one minded. Our belief was if something was important for you and another, there was the use of private chats. The majority of people I’ve seen in chat rooms don’t let this bother them though because everyone does it. I realize now though that this behavior isn’t always accepted everywhere by everyone.

Sharing personal information. I’m too trusting when I’m seeking advice, and I’ve been warned before. I know that at times when I’m going through something or if someone I’m close to is going through something I don’t always get the details in order or accurate. This doesn’t make what I say untrue. The more you tell a story as it progresses in life, the more it tends to change because the circumstances change. The main issue is always there though. For what it’s worth, what is happening in my life, (though it’s not really me but another in my life) should never be considered anything other than an event that is occurring. Personally, I wish it wasn’t happening at all. But hopefully in the next couple of days it will be over.

Seeking attention. In truth, I really hate attention. Sometimes I make a quick post that I think others might funny, in hopes of making them laugh. I don’t realize how annoying this can be to others, especially when overdone. Everyone is different though and because I spend a lot of time with a lot of people from all walks of life; writers, role-players, wolfdog owners, dog owners, cat owners, etc, it’s honestly hard to get out of something you’re used to being a part of.  I don’t mean that literally of course. In a way, I’m no different from anyone else who just wants to be heard or to share in the conversation. At home and and on the phone, I’m usually put into a silent corner. It is hard for me to speak. People tend to speak over me or around me and I find it difficult to get a word in. Online, it’s much easier to a point and like so many others I am among those who wishes to be heard.

However, I also need to start listening and respecting others when they’re speaking. It took the harsh words of someone to make me realize this, and though those harsh words really hurt me, it was a lesson well learned and for that I’m grateful to them, even if they never plan on talking to me again. I can be selfish, unfortunately, and that is something I need to learn to not be. I need to consider others’ feelings in addition to my own.

My own feelings should have also been considered though. I’m an easy person to talk to when I don’t feel like I’m being ganged up. You see, most of my life was spent being bullied or abused and when more than one person confronts me it sets me on a defensive edge. It is far easier on me for a person to have a one-on-one discussion with me about anything bothering them. No screaming, no cursing. Either one of these makes me feel like I’m being attacked and it does neither party any good.

Having what I say looked into. A lot of people share things online, sometimes something about their personal life, sometimes their education, and sometimes something that happened to them in the past. I’ve been told many things by countless people and never once did I consider looking into these things to see if it was true or a lie.

Sometimes things can’t always be proven to be either one, and it’s at this point I think a line should be drawn. I’d rather not go digging into someone’s words to see if they were telling the truth about themselves because what they have going on in their life doesn’t affect me personally. Also, it’s not my business, even if they told me some things. The invasion of privacy is a big matter and is covered by the Bill of Rights and in some of the Ammendments. Ammendment four deals with an invasion against unreasonable searches. A person’s right to privacy is something I highly respect and refuse to do to anyone.

Being disrespected. I understand that not everyone is going to respect you. I also understand there is going to be times you will disrespect someone too. Sometimes these things happen intentionally but other times they happen unintentionally. A lack of communication and an avoidance of the issue is never the solution. Neither is attacking them remotely. While venting is a healthy way to release stress, it’s not healthy for the other person if I was to spread terrible things about them to another. I have to consider their feelings and really ask myself is what I’m doing really healthy? Likewise, pushing aside someone’s feelings on a matter concerning to them makes it seem as if I don’t care what I did to them. I need to start listening to the other person when they’re talking. I also need to not take over the conversation they are in with someone else, and to wait my turn. I have a bad habit of doing this, because again chat rooms, and again because of selfishness I realized I didn’t before have.

So thus I come to this. To the persons I have hurt or angered or both, I am sorry. I am sorry I didn’t consider your feelings on the things between us. I am sorry I pushed those feelings aside. It was never my intention but I should have realized how hurt you were, but I did not. It is not easy to guess how one is feeling on the Internet and far easier to see what one’s actions do to another in person.

To those in the future, I ask that if someone else (or if I) does something that upsets you, don’t wait. Speak to them privately about your concerns. Don’t push them aside or ignore them. We may not know we’ve truly hurt you unless you really speak to us. No smilies, no gifs, no cursing at us, but just straight up on how we made you feel. No one should ever be made to feel like shit or feel like they’ve been pushed aside without their feelings considered. I did this to someone and it wasn’t until recently did I realize what an impact it really had on them and on me. I don’t like being ignored or being pushed aside myself, so I cannot expect someone else will either. To the persons I did this to, I again apologize to you. I hope in time you can forgive me for my actions, and I hope in time I can forgive as well.

~Lissa

 

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